Tanpo

白色曼陀罗 1. 她给我回信息了。 他揉了揉疼痛的头仿佛刚刚从一场大觉里醒来，微笑地看着手机屏幕上她发的早安和一朵小花的表情。 “早安:)” 他回道。然后放下了手机出去跑步。等几个小时后她的回信。 她似乎总是很神秘，一开始总是很久才给他回信息让他以为她对他是冷漠的，后来发现好像背后有某种原因让她不得不这样，她其实很喜欢和他在一起。 自从她突然地出现在他生活里，他灰暗孤单的生活突然有了转机，突然有了光和希望。沉默忧郁的脸上突然有了微笑，超出常人年纪的沉重的成熟里突然有了破出阴翳的稚嫩光芒。他在黑暗生活的压抑之下突然，有了明媚的，微亮但充满希望的转机。从门口走到街上，抬头看了看仍然阴沉的初冬的天空和飞过的黑色的鸟，他朝着落满扬尘的丛丛灌木孩子般地一笑。他从未见过她，可感觉她仿佛如此之近，仿佛有时甚至可以感觉到她的呼吸。 他今年十七岁，从十四岁起就一个人住。那年生日时大清早被妈妈赶出家说十四岁了可以一个人谋生了不用再粘着妈妈了。他记得他从生日的美梦里被妈妈揪醒时的震惊，还没睡醒就迷迷糊糊被踢到街上，朦朦胧胧地听到妈妈嘶哑的喊叫声：“滚吧，兔崽子，终于再也不用老子供着你了，你有手有脚的自己去生活吧！快滚！别死在我门口！”说着她又被从屋里出来的裸体的男人拖进了屋子里。 他迷迷糊糊地捡起地上自己的胡乱打包的行李走到一个废弃的棚子里继续睡下，从此就在那里安身了。 嗯，虽然他还是很喜欢和妈妈在一起的：尽管妈妈从小没时间陪他玩，总是很忙，忙着往脸上涂涂画画，忙着对家里进进出出的各种各样的凶恶的男人面露微笑，忙着伺候他们好养家。因此他觉得妈妈太累了，多么希望那些对她总是拳打脚踢的男人对她好一些，因此他默默承受着妈妈对他的暴力。他觉得这是理所应当的，因为妈妈如果不打他，那还去哪里出气啊。只要妈妈能够不把他打出血就没事，因为出血太疼了，很可怕，他不喜欢血，那次妈妈喝醉用破了的啤酒瓶摔到他头上出了很多很多血，还招来了警察，还要去医院，医生的针头多可怕。医药费还那么贵。警察还逼着妈妈让他去学校。又给妈妈增加负担了。他想想就哭了，不知是因为那些血太可怕让他哭了，还是因为让妈妈增加负担而又感到深深愧疚才哭了。好几次他尝试自杀，因为妈妈既然这么讨厌自己，为什么自己还要出生啊。可是他害怕，刀到自己脖子的时候又不得不放下了。 现在终于好了，他觉得很好，不知是因为他再也不会给妈...

Turbulent rivers are surging in my eyes While there are deep lakes in yours I' ve got thousands of mountains in my arms While you are holding a song

She had a stepfather. He was very tall and, handsome. She thinks, for years. Handsome. You know, when we talk about it that someone is handsome or beautiful, it's never because of their smooth hair, a cool moustache, lovely lips and things like that. It's because… they are like shining stars in our eyes, they are familiar to us, when we think about them, we feel the beauty, the kind of mysterious, magic, and excuse me, extreme, but warm beauty, of this world. Or maybe, out of this world. It's like... It feels like reading a very touching story when you look at them, when you think of their familiar faces, when their smile cross over your mind suddenly or for a special reason. While maybe you don't really always feel it at the very first sight. Neither did she. She even burst into tears when he first appeared at the gate of her house. Oh, not only that, she did wail and shout, did yell at him to let him go away. Well, now when she recalls this scene which is decades aw...

I could suddenly feel something burning fiercely deep inside me So violently but still and firm Like a frozen fire It is so strong and permanent So intense that I would easily ignore it Since it almost takes up all parts of my life, penetrates and fiils all the cracks in my world I feel like a poem I'm written by a hand which has already disappeared When these long-stored lights inside me breathe lightly I feel my breaths are cautiously curbed But my tears burst out What is it Who can tell me " Some say the world will end in fire , Some say in ice . From what I ‘ve tasted of desire I hold with those who favor fire. but if it had to perish twice , I think I know enough of hate To say that for destruction ice Is also great And would suffice .——Robert Frost"             

I sit in the silent air and the warm sun in the late autumn Numerous leaves fall in the breeze all of a sudden While I don't know but just feel like a part of them So I don't even make a sound 我在静默的空气和秋末的暖阳里静坐 突然微风里许多的叶子纷纷落下 我感到仿佛是它们的一部分 我于是不动声色

All the people in this city hold all kinds of knives. Long, short, big or small, no matter what kind, all of them in the sun sharply shine, colliding with each other making sharp noises. He is the only one here that holds a heart, in this city where all the people that he can see holds knives. He raises this heart which naturally already has been wounded and cut all over for a thousand times with blood dying his snow-white clothes and face red, but he never thinks to put it away. Though it hurts. He is waiting for another heart. In this forest of only swords and knives he waits for another heart that may not exist at all. He waits, every day a brand new wound and repeated strong pain come in a throng. He waits. 这个城市里所有的人都举着各种各样的刀子，长的短的大的小的，无论什么样的，无一不在阳光下尖锐地闪着光，彼此碰撞着发出尖锐的声响。他是这里唯一一个举着一颗心的人，在这个所见人们都举刀子的城市里他举着的这颗心自然已经千疮百孔染红了他雪白的衣衫和脸庞，可是他从来没想过把它收起来。尽管很痛。 因为他等待着另一颗心。在这个刀剑的森林里他等待着另一颗可能并不存在的心。 他等待着，每天每刻崭新的伤口和重复的剧痛接踵而至。可是他等待着。

Sometimes she is able to feel his breath, very strongly. Very strongly. So much so that breathing will be extremely bluntly painful, sharp and delicate, as if tears will spew from any possible holes. Sometimes this feeling can last for a long time, and more often, even when she doesn't have time to realize it, they are fleeting. She would stretch out her empty hands in the deep darkness, or when facing the wide wild blinding light wanting desperately to grasp something. She turns the music to the maximum at these times. Feeling the emerging of the thick heavy wings behind her. That the whole world is holding her tightly. He is the world. Of course you exist. She says. Otherwise, what is the significance of my existence? She smiles. There is a thing that is very similar to pain, or there is a kind of pain, from the very distant depth, or actually also seeming to be so close, touches, so hard, her heart of distorting layers, to lay a finger on its deepest truest painful part...

Let us stay together when we are sorrowful （中文版紧随其后） Maybe our loneliness, our willingly while unwillingly being social withdrawal has various reasons However, our unspeakable fear of separation which is irrational to ordinary people is just the same. This can more or less pleasantly categorize us into a same group, which we've been dreaming of Maybe we don't have many other things in common Then let's communicate with each other using sadness and fear. Let's communicate in the pain of silence due to our abstract thoughts that we can't express out Let's communicate in the despair and injury that we got along the way. Yes, we may not be the ultimate companion to each other whom we all have been looking for. But let's stay together when we are sorrowful. Convey to each other our undescribable sorrow Now when you, my dear sorrowful friends that I am looking for, see this poem, you no longer have to worry that no one can understand your in...

There is a language called Silence. I speak it very well, it can be considered as a second mother tongue of mine. I don't know exactly from where I learned it, but maybe from some songs, poems, stories, movies and life that I have listened, read, watched and experienced. It's a most beautiful language, and very useful. Like every language, it can express some things that all the other languages can't. But there's a distinction that, it can express the deepest feelings in the world which any other languages can never make it. So if all the other languages ​​in the world can be replaced, Silence is irreplaceable. It has penetrated into my life, into my writings, and into every language that I often use, like every language that I often use. But seldom do I meet people who understand it as well as I do. So everytime when I speak it, some people feel unbearable, some feel annoyed, some try to prevent me from using it, some even threaten me. These are normal things ...

2018, is a year of absence.My absence from a lot of classes, absence from a lot of activities, events, absence from a lot of things I needed to do, absence from life, absence from time, and absence from myself. 2018,是缺席的一年，我缺席了很多课，缺席了很多场活动，缺席了很多我本需要做的事情，缺席了生活，缺席了时间，缺席了我自己。 Year 2018, this number is so hollow for me that I feel so unfamiliar and unaccustomed when I am looking at it right now and I wasn't aware of it until now. Unlike 2017, a full, reminiscent, fully filled number which did leave a powerful real print in my life. While 2018, like a piece of air floating sweeping swaying across high above, as if in this number I was absent from the world, or, it is just the fact. A fear emerges. Everything in 2018 has never been related to me, and it is actually the case. I walked like in a dream in this year, at somewhere unknown, an empty zone outside the world, past the whole year. It then becomes a section of air in my veins, a complete blank in my memory, and an unutterabl...

"Come on, the frosty winter is fluttering outside the window like a huge flag. Let's get together. “当你离开我的世界的时候请踮起脚尖。 " When you leave my world, please walk on tiptoe.

I can easily attach to others and establish an important bond that made me inseparable from others. These people can be almost whoever I meet, no matter good or bad. These bonds are like blood vessels that I reach out to others, connecting me to others, making me dependent on them and making them part of my life. They are so easy to build that on average they are built every day, and can even be built within ten minutes while incredibly strong. The results are often the same: people leave me, suddenly disappear in my life, which is like suddenly cutting off my dense blood vessels, blood spilling over my eyes and heart. But these vessels never stop reaching out and I can't control. And they keep being cut off over and over. And the only way to make me feel better and less painful after one being cut off is to start a new one right away. This reminds me of Prometheus on the stone cliff. But what did I make wrong that makes me deserve the same punishment like his? 我很轻易就会依恋他人，建立起...

我可以在天空和树梢间看到他眉眼的痕迹。一抹忧伤微笑着划过我眼底的湖泊。闭上将要湿润的双眼含笑沉醉在其中。 I can see the traces of his eyes and brows in the gap between the sky and the treetops. A sorrow flipped smiling across the lake in the bottom of my eyes. Closed my eyes which were about to get damp immersing in it in vague joy.

风在筒道里吹拂着。 夏季色泽和阴影明朗的绿林，融进风里的充实的蝉声。 我不知道该怎么描述你。 The wind is swaying in the tunnel. The clear summer woods with bright colour and lustre and lucid shades. The chirping of cicadas merging into the wind. I don't know how to depict you.

Everyone from his/her birth is the only main role of his own life: finds friends for himself, enjoys himself, and keeps close to his own interests. When sad, he will go to find those who can help comfort him. When injured, he will feel pity for himself; talks to himself. Protects himself from any possible harm. Builds a self-centered relationship network. Gives help to others when he can, to those who he considers important because they can comfort his heart and offer necessary company. Occasionally, sacrifices his life for his own faith in a heroic way which he is proud of. But in some people's lives, the main role of their drama of life will change to another person all of a sudden. And since then he suddenly starts to be a supporting role in his own life, while happily. All the things that he does for himself when he is still the main role, from this incredible life turning on, will all shift dramatically to be for this new protagonist. While he will unbelievably give up his i...

There's a very interesting little coincidence in my life, that when I was around twelve years old, while listening to the English tape as a good student who would always do even during vacation, I heard a sentence which was read by a gentle male voice: "Love is the answer to every question." Back then I was a rebellious teenager who believed herself to be quite inner-directed and hated those hypocritical love stuff, never read a romantic fiction and looked down upon those girls who were obsessed with them (I still look down on them now though), so when I saw this sentence, since it was quite different, in an indescribable way for the me then, from those love poems which disgusted me a lot, its tone was so firm and self-convincedly gentle that pushed me to think about it before denying it easily, even though after minutes of mildly hard thinking I still refused to accept it as something right, or better, still failed to understand it as an innocent teenager. But I don...

I've been thinking about meeting you somewhere. Somewhere full of brightness and white lights. With light music shinning. With a ground under our feet that will never fall. I ve been thinking about it until I have a headache. Until I can't fall in my dreams. Until my dreams are filled with incomprehensible craziness. And the guitar keeps releasing some soft notes that keep strumming my heart in a way deeper and deeper. And I fall into the dreams again with breaths cautiously restrained in the warm room, with its warm colors gently shining. Stand in the almost knee-deep tender white snow. The winter days are quite bright. I've been thinking about meeting you somewhere. Somewhere I can see without raising my head. Somewhere my soft dreams are my comfortable pillow. Somewhere when I yell into the winter woods there's echo rebounded. Somewhere half shadowed. Somewhere fragrant. Somewhere shining. Somewhere silent. Somewhere... Somewhere. Somewhere I know h...

I woke up in the early morning, and the morning light passes through my limbs that I haven't fully revived or been filled.The warm feeling of being filled with radiance.Squinting, leaning against the wall, smirking in the first morning light of the yellowing, as if tipsy, curled up hair cast a shadow of a long ellipse in the tender golden morning light on the white wall. Still not fully awake, but I can't fall asleep anymore, and I don't want to, because there is a piano sound, as usual, flipping in from the room next door, with joy. 在清晨里我醒来，清晨的光芒穿透我还未完全苏醒填充的肢体。被光芒满溢的温暖感觉。揉着眼睛，靠着墙微眯着，在泛黄的第一束晨光里傻傻地微笑着，仿佛微醺，翘起的绕成团的头发在白色的墙壁淡淡金黄色的晨光里上投下长长的椭圆的影子。还没醒的样子，可是再也睡不着了，也再不想再入睡，因为呀，隔壁的房间里传来一如既往的钢琴声。

有时候突然感到很无力，感到身体的每一个部分每一寸突然极速不可控地坠落，而惊奇地发现自己仍然坐在原地。 Sometimes I suddenly feel very frail, feel that every part of the body starts to fall all at once rapidly and uncontrollably, while I am surprised to find myself still seated in the same place. 仿佛所有飞舞的光团突然地远去生活突然变成一面垂直高耸而使人疲累的悬崖，使人想立即无悔地死去。 As if all the bright flying balls of light suddenly die away, life suddenly turns into a vertical, steep and exhausting cliff with its top towering beyond sight, which makes want to die desperately and instantly without a single regret.

When I write out of pain, it's like squeezing the mist of pain at that while floating around in my whole body into a drop of concentrated dark black ink, gathered at the fingertips, then quickly flinging it out from the fingertips getting rid of it. My writings are just the shapes it oozes on the paper. 当我在痛苦时写作的时候，就好像把身体里当下弥散如雾的痛苦用力挤成一滴浓缩的深黑的墨汁，聚集到指尖，从指尖飞速甩出，得以摆脱了它。我写下的字就是它在纸上渗散留下的形状。

One unforgettable thing I can't help but show off. Once in a talent show involving all the students of our whole grade in the beginning of the third year of high school (actually the only talent show of the whole three years 😭 Miserable Chinese high school students...) (the grade director required that everyone perform on the stage! ), I wrote a play that I starred in and directed (look I also have a talent in being a director ;) (sounds like something really splendid... while actually it was just very very short and very much simple just a few minutes )I was also the "music director", "props group", "background director", only the technical staff were shouldered by other students, and there were other three actors (my classmates). During the rehearsal, one of the actors ridiculed that we would not win any prizes and would probably come to the last place. I laughed with others not caring at all at that time because I was doing “Art” (Hahahaha, yes, t...

Her brooding profound and circuitous eyes went deep into my skin. So I just smiled, just dared to smile, for fear of any vulgarity that might exist in my words, breaking her solemn silence. He asked me if you love her afterwards all of a sudden. I suddenly lost my words . Not because of the abruptness of his question. Just felt a deep shock in my heart that seemed to have existed for a long time, almost making my soul crack into emptiness. So I took an urgent breath and raised up to the sky. Sitting at the table late at night, the gentle yellow light of the table lamp is scattered on the blank notebook. The sky outside the grey curtains is a glowing dark blue. I daren't approach her again. I am afraid that my kind of love is too heavy for her lithe, rising soul. But I need to be totally clear about her current situations all the time and make sure she is not in any kind of danger. Otherwise my life will never really be settled. But how can I do these both at the same time? ...

She sat diagonally opposite me, in black, opposite to a boy of the same age as her at the same table, in the same black. There were only the two of them sitting on that table and they were in a comfortable silence, so I thought he should be her lover. She was eating noodles and had a vague solemnness over her face. They ate for a long time. To my surprise, the boy left alone without her in the end and paid his bill, then a man in a black jacket sat at the same place as the boy, right opposite her at the same table and ordered something, while she didn't turn a hair. It turned out that that boy was not her lover, she came here alone. She looked up from the black bowl from time to time into the wall, her eyes full of a kind of calm while deep sorrow resulting a very sharp contrast with the other people in the cafeteria with hurried, but peaceful and numb eyes, which made me quite surprised. She ate slowly, and people around her table were keeping coming and going. Incredibly, this...

Turbulent rivers are surging in my eyes While there are deep lakes in yours  I' ve got thousands of mountains in my arms  While you are holding a song 

 Oneday, I wanted suddenly to write something for eulogizing and appreciating.  So I dressed myself in a long black robe, walking out along the side of the road;  Looking around from time to time, it seemed that I was searching for something, while there seemed to have been an answer inside, already, for my eyes were actually careless.  But, the shine of them never decreased.  For a long time I'd walked and seen, while what I only really remembered more than others was, the green green green like drops-vines, flourished, poured out of the thick trees beside the road, like waterfalls.  I wondered and wandered, while there seemed to have been an answer inside, already.  A gentle cool wind floated and blowed straight to my face.  I had a dream, that night, in which, there you were, right in front, with brillant bright smile all over your face, with hands full of gentle, soft, melting light or, flames. Sunshine or something flourishing out behi...